Life without you...

Am I selfish?

2010-10-29T10:37:00.001-07:00

Wow, alot more changes this year. Remember when I said no more changes for a while. Hello? I guess you didn't listen to that request. I guess I shouldn't make any more requests like that, it just sets me up for failure.

The changes have been good for the most part but change is always hard for me. Even if it is good change. Dad has remarried. I am so glad he has found a companion to share the rest of his life with. He seems happy and she is great with a great family. The adjustments with the marriage will take some time to get used to. And that is what I don't like. I wish it was 5 years down the road where things have kind of settled in and there was some sort of normal again. But such is life and I will make the best of it.

I have been thinking lately about all the things in my life that are affected by you being gone. Going over to your house at night with my boys hoping you have made dinner so I don't have to, babysitting, you making me feel better when I just feel fat and prego, having your help for a week after baby arrives, calling me to ask how I'm doing....etc. This list could go one for EVER and I won't sit here and feel sorry for myself by making it longer. Life is hard and that is a lesson I have learned, especially in the last year. And life isn't just hard for me but for EVERYONE around me. But this list does make me wonder....am I selfish for wanting those things and missing those things? Is that bad?

1 year down...the rest of my life to go.

2010-08-18T14:08:00.001-07:00

Wow, what a depressing but fitting title. 1 year ago today my world was flipped upside down. Painful memories are flooding through my mind as I sit here today trying to come to terms with the time that has passed. In some ways it feels like it has been 10 years since I have seen you and felt you and hugged you. In other ways it seems like just yesterday I saw Mike walk down that dreaded hallway at the hospital, too upset to look us in the eye and shaking his head. I couldn't believe that you left us so suddenly. Just days before I was pondering all the things I had to get done that day and yet all I wanted to do was go to your house and see you. I didn't know why I was wanting to get over there so bad, but I guess it makes sense now. I talked to you in your bedroom for a while. You had just gotten out of the shower and were wearing your gold robe putting on your makeup. This is a sight I had seen many many times before. You were so beatiful, even with your hair up in a towel and you wearing your gold robe with no make-up on. I don't remember what we talked about, how I wish I could. I want so badly to remember that last conversation we had.

Another common sight that I miss so much was walking in the front door of your house. I would turn the corner to see you in your tennis clothes and you had your hair up in a pony tail, reading glasses on, sitting at the computer paying bills. You would immediately put your glasses up on your head and smile at me then look past me to spot my boys. Most of the time they would come running in screamming "Grandma Dene, Grandma Dene" and then they would give you a big hug. I miss seeing that. I miss how common it was to come to your house and see you there. I miss how you were such an integrated part of my every day life.

These past few weeks have been difficult. Remember the last few memories we had together has been hard. And now a year ago today I was helping to plan your funeral. Trying to sleep at night and hoping I would wake up and you would still be here. At least the memories before this day were all good ones. Now they are terrible memories. Memories of being without you.

Jude is 2 1/2 months old now and already brought such a sweet spirit into our home. Thank you for sending him. He is perfect and beautiful and sometimes when he smiles I am absolutely sure he is smiling at you. Not having you here for the delivery was really tough but I am so glad I felt you that day. I am so glad you were able to be there and that I was able to feel you. It meant so much to me.

This morning Dad and I hiked up to the radar towers. I was a pathetic companion and kept thinking that if he was with you you would be leaving him in the dust not the other way around. Granted I just had a baby and have not been really good about excercising like I should...but still I felt embarassed. I had a great talk with Dad though and I am grateful for the time I was able to spend with him one on one and hear from him. He is dating now and I always knew he would and I expected it to be really devastating when that day came. But I am not devastated. I have never once questioned his love for you. And it is so good to see his spirit lifted. I am happy for him. And what makes it even easier for me is that I know you would be happy for him as well. I was telling him that. I can't imagine you not wanting him to be really happy. Everything you did while you were here was to make him happy. You were so unselfish and loving...to the point that it drove me a little nuts sometimes. You always put him first. And now you have an even greater eternal perspective. I am convinced that even if you and Dad were ever getting a divorce ( I know that's really hard to believe you ever would have gotten close to that) that you would have still wanted him to find someone that made him happy. I keep feeling your telling me that you want him to be happy and all of us as well.

I love you Mom. I am trying to live my life in a way that you could be proud of. I fall short....ALL the time. But I am trying. This last year has been the hardest year of my life but I made it. And it has made me realize that with the Lord's help I can do anything...even if I don't want to. I miss you. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here with us. But I am grateful for the time you did get to spend with us here. I am grateful that you are my Mom. If I would have known the outcome of our family...that you were going to leave us early, that we would feel more heartache than I physically and emotionally thought possible, I wouldn't change a thing. I still would have picked you as my Mom.

Changes, changes and more changes...

2010-05-05T10:32:00.000-07:00

So many things have been happening lately and I don't know where to start, but I will say that change has never been my strong suit and lately that's all we've been doing.

A few weeks ago we went on our annual girls trip to Arizona. I know it may sound silly to others but I felt you so strongly while we were in our favorite Chinese restaurant...Flo's. Melissa felt you too. I know you would have been there in person if you could have been. I loved taking those trips with you mainly because I loved how you took care of me while we were there. I would transform from Wife and Mom to just a daughter for a few days. The level of activity was obviously no where near to what it was when you would go but with my being 8 months pregnant I guess I wouldn't have been able to do much anyway. It was so fun to be with Arlene and Coral and their girls but I must admit that seeing them together just made me miss you even more.

While in Arizona we took Maddy shopping for a prom dress and found one that was gorgeous on her. She was prom royalty this year and I couldn't believe how gorgeous she looked. I think she will resemble you the most out of any of your daughters. I am grateful for that and hopes she realizes what a blessing that is. I worry for her so much but at the same time I am so amazed by her strength at times.

Anna left on her mission one week ago today. Getting her ready to go was a lot of work but I must say that it is a good thing it was her and not Denis or Kenny leaving without you there. You know Anna, she can't stand to stand around and she is very ambitious and can also be very demanding. But that's what I love about her. She really has been such a rock for me these past months and letting her leave was seriously one of the hardest things since you died. But I know she will serve well and that this really is the best decision for her.

She did such a great job at her farewell on Sunday too. Dad and Maddy sang "No Ordinary Man" and then Anna invited Mykah up to sing your favorite song. Only Anna would feel brave enough to just do a second musical number without asking for permission. She is so funny.

Anna knew just what she wanted for the food at her farewell and everything had to be just right. She also didn't have a problem delegating all of the food out to friends and family. If you were here you would have been horrified. I remember me and Andrea talking almost exactly a year ago at Denis's farewell at how impressed we were that you could put something on for that many people and you just seemed to know exactly what to do. I turned to Andrea and told her..."I never want to have to do this" and she reassured me by saying "Don't worry your mom as another 15 years to show us how it's done" Well I guess we jinxed ourselves. But I was amazed how everyone pitched in to help...you have such a great family and such amazing friends. You are loved by so many.

Mine and Anna's birthdays were the 2 days before she left. Of course we celebrated on her birthday. (Remember the one year you asked her if we could celebrate our birthday's on my birthday and she threw a fit and told you no?, she is so funny) We went to the Roof. Dad has really grown to rely on Anna a lot lately too and I know it was so hard for him to see her go on Wednesday. I missed you so much on my birthday. Birthdays since getting married and having kids have not been grand but you always knew how to make it special and I realized that you were the only reason it was special. Without you here it feels like nothing is special about it. I was glad that we had so much to do that day that I really didn't have time to dwell on it too much.

Today is mine and Cameron's 6th anniversary which means that it is yours and Dad's 33rd anniversary. My heart is just breaking for him today and I know it's going to be a rough one. I wish I knew what to do to ease his pain. I used to treasure the fact that we were married on the same day as you and Dad and now I think it will just be a painful reminder that I still have my spouse with me and Dad doesn't.

Cameron graduates from PT school on Friday. This is one of the major changes that will be happening in our family. Going from living on Student Loans to getting an actual paycheck will be nice but I feel like this is when real life begins. I know Cameron is so ambitious and will provide well for our family but I hope he finds a job that he loves and that will allow him to be out home with our family.

Speaking of our family we are about to add to it in just 4 weeks. Another major change, and one that I am very very nervous about. Especially nervous because you aren't here and you have been the only reason I made it through my last two babies. I so often feel like I am failing at being a good mom to my 2 boys and to add another one is not going to help that. My only consolation is that I know you know this little guy inside of me and I know that even though he won't remember you there will be a spirit to spirit connection that he will always have. You said you were sending me someone special and I can't wait to meet this special little guy.

Now that Anna is gone on her mission, Dema is back in a boarding school and Valek is no longer living at home all that are left are Mike and Andrea and his family and Maddy. Mike and Andrea will be leaving to Michigan in about 6 weeks and then talk about an empty house with just Dad and Maddy. I hope they both use it for a time to grow together but I am very scared about the lonliness setting in. We are close by and so are Melissa and Sam but it's been so healing to have everyone together and close for the last 9 months. The times that I feel the most at peace is when we are all together. I don't know what is going to happen now that that is all changing.

Anyway, I guess change is good and makes us grow but could you tell Heavenly Father that this much is all I can handle right now and ask him if he could put other changes on hold for a while? Wow I wished it worked that way.

I love you Mom and I miss you terribly. These last few weeks have been extremely difficult for me. I'm not sure why, maybe because of all the events going on, maybe because it's getting close to 1 year that you have been gone. Everyone says that after a year things start getting better but I don't want time to keep going by like this. It just means memories start fading and I would rather have the pain and the vivid memories then lose the pain and have distant memories. Please be with me.

Question

2010-04-19T18:53:00.001-07:00

Mom, do you miss us as much as we miss you?

Happy Birthday!

2010-03-26T08:26:00.000-07:00

Last week was your Birthday. I meant to write this on your birthday but I underestimated how difficult it would be. Growing up, your birthday and mother's day were the 2 days each year that we tried to do everything for you. We would make breakfast for you, dinner for you, clean for you. I wish we would have done that more for you. When I got a little older I would be in charge of all of your gifts. I would get a call from Dad a few days before asking, "what am I getting your mother for her birthday?" I always gave Dad a hard time but honestly I loved doing it for you.

You would have been 55 today and I'm sure you wouldn't have looked a day over 35. Aging always scared you and was something you tried to avoid at all costs. I would never consider you a vain person, you rarely shopped outside of ROSS, and we all know you could have afforded too. But you bought all the anti aging products there were to buy. And you being the so naive and pure always believed they were working. Even if it was a liquid that tasted just like water that you sprayed 2 times into your mouth a day. I love you for that.

Your Birthday we celebrated quite differently than in the past. And honestly it was perfect in so many ways but it was also very emotionally draining. Anna received her endowments on your Birthday. I'm sure you were there along with Grandma. I'm so proud of Anna and the decisions she is making in her life. But the thought of her leaving on a mission is terrifying. She has really been such a help to all of us since you passed and I'm scared to have her gone.

As I watched Anna go through the temple I remembered my first experience in the temple. I was calm and relaxed because you were right beside me the whole time. I knew you knew what I was doing was true and right and that made the experience for me so much less confusing and scary. Not that I understood anything that first time but I knew that going often would fix that. And having my mom with me meant everything. Although we knew you were there we also knew you were missing. It was a harsh reality to have to face that this would be the first of many major events that you would not be a part of.

Arlene was Anna's escort through the temple and it felt right. Because you couldn't be there she is the closest thing to you that we have. Your bond crosses beyond the veil and we all feel that. We love Arlene so much and are grateful that we at least have her. Anna's going through the temple was her gift to you and having Arlene as her escort was your gift to her.

After the temple we all headed up to Park City for a family getaway. The last time with Anna before she leaves to New Hampshire. While up there Dad surprised us with gifts . Maddy opened hers first and pulled out the most beautiful quilt I had ever seen. And then we realized that the entire quilt had been made out of your clothing. I can not express the feeling I had at that moment realizing the service that had just been done for us. We have had so many people do so much for us the last few months and I have been overwhelmed by the kindness and generosity of others but as I realized that a similar quilt had been made for each of us kids the feeling was unlike one I have ever felt. On the back of each quilt is a quote from your journal about your feelings towards each of us. It is beautiful. It was truly a labor of love and just by looking at each of the quilts I knew how much time and energy was spent. It is still unreal to me that these women could be so selfless. My quilt is something I will treasure forever and I hope that I can live a life full of service to pay it forward.

I love you Mom and I hope you were with us on your Birthday as we remembered the amazing life you lived and the legacy you left. I miss you.

I have faith

2010-02-08T02:17:00.000-08:00

Thus far every time I have written to you has been depressing. I guess that is the point of this though, just getting out all of my negative feelings here so I can be more positive in real life. But I do hope you know a couple of positive things....

(1) I have never been so sure that God has a plan for me and that as hard as it is not having you here, I have always felt like your death is part of that plan. I'm not sure why and I still don't feel like it's fair but I have felt you telling me that several times in the last 6 months and I want you to know that you have gotten through. I doesn't make things easier without you but for some reason it does make it more bearable.

(2) I have amazing friends and family that love me. I have been overwhelmed with the amount of love I have been shown by others during these last 6 months. And I'm always amazed at how in tune people are to my feelings.

(3) Dad is amazing. Obviously you know this but I can't get over his strength. He misses you terribly and it hurts me to know that every night he makes the dreaded walk to your bedroom alone. I think seeing Dad hurting is probably as hard to deal with as anything else. And yet every morning he wakes up and gets things done. He has never had a day where he sits around and feels sorry for himself. He continues to push on and forces all of us to follow behind him.

(4) There are some things I am glad you are not here for. I will not go into detail about these, but you know what they are and I am glad that you know the big picture now so you aren't able to be hurt by the things of the world. I always felt protective over you and hated it when someone, especially someone you loved, did something to hurt you. I am glad you cannot be hurt anymore. You deserve that.

It's been a while...

2010-02-08T02:15:00.000-08:00

I haven't written in a while. Not that times and things have been easier, just crazier. I am feeling a lot of things right now but mostly sorry for all those around me that are having to deal with difficult things. I wonder if it has always been like this and I have been oblivious to the suffering of the world. Was I really this out of touch with the world? How was I so ignorant? I wish I would have been better about being more sympathetic to those around me. You were so good at that. It is hard to feel sorry for myself when I see how bad others have it, and yet I still do. I still miss you every second of every day. I still wish you were here.

Max had surgery last week and Brigham has surgery this week. The surgeries aren't difficult procedures and I shouldn't be so worried but it has still been hard on me. Cameron has to work and can't be at the hospital with me and I have to have someone watch one of the kids while I'm at the hospital with the other. I am so grateful for Cameron's mom for being so willing to do whatever I need but I am lacking that emotional support I know I would have gotten for you. I know you would have come and sat with me at the hospital, and I know you would have worried for my kids.

There is just no replacement for a mother's love. I've always known that you were irreplaceable but I think I am just beginning to understand the emotional support you offered me while you were still here. The other night I was really feeling sick. I went to bed that night and I was just so upset and I tried to figure out why I was so upset. I needed you. And not in the physical sense. It's not like every time I felt sick I called you to come over and take care of me. In fact I rarely did that. But I guess I always knew you were there and that night was just a painful reminder that you were not there.

BaHumbug

2009-11-29T11:57:00.000-08:00

I knew the Holidays would be hard. People warned me and I of course couldn't imagine a Christmas without you. It has been harder than I could have ever possibly imagined. I really wish I could just skip it this year. No Christmas....never before has that sounded good but this year it sounds great. Can't I just jump on a plane to Mexico for a few weeks so I miss this season, so everyday I'm not reminded about how much you used to do for us, especially this time of year. 9 kids, 3 in-laws, 7 grandkids and a husband and you somehow made us all feel so special.

I remember helping you on Christmas Eve a few years ago. It was the first time I realized how insane you really were. Stuffed bags full of gifts filled the entire attic in the cabin. And you directed;
"Those socks go to Dema", "There are 3 lip glosses in a target bag that go to Anna, Maddy and Me" "Red Optimus Prime goes to Brigham" " Green Rachet goes to Naki, do you think he'll like that?" "Make sure everyone gets a toothbrush, I think that they are in the smiths bag somewhere" " "Did you get Dad's jeans in the TJ Max bag?" "Do you need anything else for your family because I bought a bunch of extra stocking stuffers for you just in case you didn't have enough. "Now leave because it's my turn to wrap your gifts".

I walked out of the attic that night with my mind spinning a million miles an hour from all the chaos. I was floored at all the thought that you put into every gift. Including our stockings which were always my favorite to open on Christmas day. I've just found out that a personalized stocking that you did for us is not a common occurrence in every household. Not one thing you put in our stocking was put in there without being personalized for us....even down to the candy you put in there. The craziest part about that night is the lack of a list. You hadn't written anything down...it was all being stored in your head and you preformed beautifully. Everyone got an equal amount of presents. Grandkids were well taken care of. And the gifts meant for Christmas Eve were accounted for and put under the tree. I realized that the very few times that I opened a gift on Christmas day and it was Kenny's shirt or something else random that if that was the only mistake you made you should have been given some sort of an award. You were a Christmas genius.

You left some pretty big shoes to fill. Do you realize we will never be able to do Christmas as well as you did? Thanksgiving too. It is overwhelming just thinking about it. I just think about how many hours went into the Christmas presents but the food was a whole other adventure. Pies making, candy making, homemade rolls, etc... Everything was perfect. And all day you were in the kitchen preparing and then on Christmas morning again in the kitchen making breakfast. Never once thinking about yourself, only about us.

As a kid I always wondered why you were the last one to even get started on opening your gifts. We would always have to sit you down and make you do it. But I know realize it's because you were too worried about everyone else that you didn't have time to think about yourself. And how pathetic of us to get you an outfit and pretend that that was enough to offset all the many hours of hard work you put in over the Christmas season. That the outfit would be thanks enough for everything you had done for us.

Now do you understand why during this season I can't walk down the make up isle in target and see lip gloss and not just break down? Or every time I see a Christmas decoration be reminded of how magnificent your house was decorated this time of year and how my boys loved going over to your house too see all the fun things you had out. You were my Christmas, everything I did for Christmas had you in it. And I know it will never be the same and that I will need to face this holiday sooner or later because there are so many more years you won't be here with us. But just for this year I wish I could stop it from coming. I wish there was some way to avoid it.

Almost 3 months

2009-11-06T07:02:00.000-08:00

Is that a good thing or a bad thing? In some ways it feels good because I never thought I would make it a week without you and now I have made it almost 3 months, it gives me hope that we will continue on and be ok. But mostly it is hard to think that I haven't been able to see you or talk to you for that long. It hurts that I am able to live life without you in it. I don't want to be ok without you, is that weird? It hurts that I am getting more used to you not being in our day to day lives. I know it is part of the process but sometimes I wish it was still only a week ago so that the memories could be as fresh as they were when you passed. The hurt was unbareable then but I least I had just talked to you and felt your love for me.

I need to take it down

2009-11-06T06:55:00.000-08:00

Your obituary and funeral program are still on my fridge. They remind me everyday of what I have lost and I rarely look at them without getting a huge pit in my stomach. I have been trying to take them down lately but I just can't seem to do it. I do love seeing your face everyday. And I don't want to forget anything about you. I wish I could remember every freckle and every wrinkle (although you didn't have many). I wish our mortal memories weren't so flawed. As hard as it is for me to start forgetting those little things about you it is even harder for me to know that my boys will most likely forget you altogether. That kills me. I guess I will leave you up on my fridge for them....and for me. I love you.

Declaration...

2009-11-06T06:48:00.000-08:00

So Dad told us right after your funeral that we had just stood up in front a whole lot of people and made a declaration of faith and that we needed to be careful to keep that. I was thinking "no problem, I've never needed the gospel more than I need it now in my life, this trial is only going to increase my faith." Well little did I expect that Satan would test us for the next few months without you here. I guess he wants to see if we are really committed. It seems like one thing after the other is going wrong. I'm not trying to complain but for some reason I thought that because we lost you we were exempt from other trials for a while. Wow am I naive. I have decided that it is not the big trials that test my faith it is the small ones after a big one that are the hardest to cope with. I know we are being blessed too. I guess I need to focus on those instead of the bad. It's hard to try to handle these situations on my own. You were always here for me encouraging me and being my greatest example. I love you and miss you.

Moving on...

2009-10-13T19:19:00.000-07:00

Is there such a thing as moving on? I really don't think there is. I feel like life goes on but the pain of having you gone is still always there. I am getting more used to feeling that emptiness and hallowness. I know as soon as I wake up in the morning I will feel it, but it definitely isn't getting easier. I try not to focus on it because I know it will just cause me to break down. But then if I hold it in it catches up to me in a few days and it hits me even worse. I miss you, I really do. Please keep helping me push forward.

Cemetery

2009-10-06T11:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to your grave site for the first time since the funeral. I know that is probably bad but I haven't been able to even drive past it, let alone stop at it.

There were beautful roses left on your grave, I wonder who they are from but I think I have a pretty good idea. It was good to be there and felt peaceful. I could feel you. I wouldn't say I could feel you close by, but at least I could feel you. I talked with you for a while, could you hear me? Can you hear me? I have faith that you can. I wish I could talk with you though. I wish you would tell me what to do. I wish you could hold me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I miss you.

UEA and Conference Weekend

2009-10-06T11:33:00.000-07:00

Mom, this weekend was UEA weekend and your brothers and sisters went up to a cabin again. I wasn't able to go and honestly i don't feel too bad about it because I know how hard it would have been. Melissa went and said it was painful.

It did get me thinking about all the times we went to Grandma's cabin over UEA weekend. It was my favorite trip of the year. I loved being around the cousins with the crisp fall air. Playing in the creek, flag football, night games, Grandma's hikes up the road while she sang the whole way, and of course the homemade doughnuts.

I loved seeing you with your family. It always seemed like you could let go and really be you when you were around them. We would make fun of you when you were cheesy but when you were with your sisters you could be cheesy and silly with them. I know how much you loved your family and how much you liked to be with them. You passed that on to me and for that I am grateful.

This weekend was also conference weekend and we went up to Bear Lake with some friends. It was a nice break from the every day grind and very relaxing. I was thinking this conference of the times we would go up to La Platta for fall General Conference. The leaves were beautiful and we brought the radio with us and listened, had a picnic, went on hikes, etc. It was a really great tradition that I think next year I will start with my own family. There is nothing like being surrounded by all of God's creations while listening to inspiring talks.

Both of these memories just remind me of what a wonderful mother you really are. You gave so much to us to create such beautiful memories. I wish they could be sweet right now but they are still very painful to think about. Someday though I hope to look back without feeling that deep pain but feeling gratitude of the time I did get with you. I love you.

Failing...

2009-09-27T19:45:00.002-07:00

Today has been a really difficult day. One of the most difficult so far. So difficult that I couldn't even go to church today. I was just a wreck. I feel so bad not being able to magnify my calling right now. I am so behind and know that I am failing. I wish I could pull it together and do it. Our Relief Society President really deserves someone better than me. It is her making my life easier and my entire calling is to make her life easier.

I feel like a failure in most aspects of my life lately. Being patient with my kids...failing. Keeping my house clean and organized....failing. Having food to eat...failing. Being a loving and supporting wife....definitely failing. Magnifying my ward calling....failing. Excersising and eating well....failing. Being a good friend....failing. Being organized and timely with my business....failing.

I feel so awful to all of those that I am letting down. I know it's been a month and things should really start getting better for me, but they are not. I am trying to be strong but in all reality I am failing at that as well.

Getting up out of bed every day....successful.

Birthday Blues

2009-09-27T19:45:00.001-07:00

Today is my Mother in-law's birthday and my sister in-law. I tried last night at the grocery store to get her a card but I couldn't do it. I remember reading one that talked about all the changes there are in life but the one constant that remains is a mother. I just started crying in the middle of the isle, dropped the card and went on my way. I am so lucky to have the greatest mother in-law but all I could think about today was that I won't ever be able to tell you Happy Birthday again. I loved your birthday and mother's day because they were the only 2 days of the year where you let us completely take care of you. We got to make you dinner and clean and pamper you. As I look back I think we probably felt like we did much more for you than we actually did, but I loved every opportunity I had to be able to give back to you.

Reality

2009-09-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

I think reality is finally starting to hit me. I made it through a month and it was the hardest month of my life. Now I feel worn out and emotionally exhausted. Isn't this over yet? I am just starting to grasp the fact that I am going to have do this for the rest of my life. I really don't know how I'm going to make it.

Dema and Valek are starting to go down hill again. I thought for sure that because Heavenly Father took you from us, he would bless us all that we would be ok. Why aren't they ok? Why are they returning to what they did before you left? It's hard enough to deal with you being gone, I just don't think I can handle them too. And I know Dad can't and shouldn't have to.

Dad's Birthday

2009-09-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Dad's birthday. He turned 54. We made a scrapbook of all the pictures we could find of you. Yes, you heard right, your daughters actually scrapbooked. It is a miracle. It was supposed to be a small travel size one that he could take with him on business trips and such, but we couldn't narrow the pictures down and it ended up bulging. The pictures we have of you are everything to us right now. We couldn't think of anything else to give Dad. What I really wanted to give him was a day without the pain of missing you. I wish i could take it from him.

We played volleyball for his birthday and then had a BBQ after. There were a lot of people there to support him and for that I am grateful.

Homecoming

2009-09-22T12:44:00.000-07:00

It was Maddy and Dema's first dance on Saturday. I think they were both very excited to go. All the girls helped get them ready, especially Maddy. I thought they both looked great but Maddy was stunning. When she walked out Dad broke down in tears and kept repeating "I'm so sorry she's not here" It was heart breaking for all of us.

I don't think you were there for my first dance either. You and Dad were out of town on business I am sure. But it is different, you came back and saw pictures and then I knew you would be there for the next dance. Maddy didn't get to describe every little detail to you about her first dance.

I know it's something so small, but to her right now that means a lot to her. She needs a Mom to tell her how beautiful she looks. No matter how many times her sisters tell her, we can't ever make up for you.

The Cabin...

2009-09-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

Last week was labor day weekend and we still went up to the cabin. You were supposed to be with us on this trip and had even planned the food for it. It was so hard without you there. On our way up I cried the whole time as memories raced through my head. Christmases, Thanksgivings, 4th of Julys. Almost all my cabin trips I ever took were with you.

I knew we needed to go up there and get it over with but I wished I didn't have to. We tried to make it special like you always made it for us. Big breakfasts in the morning, marshmallow popcorn and lots of activities, but we couldn't replace your presence. Oh how I wished you were still here.

Dad probably had the hardest time out of all of us but he is amazing how he continues to push forward. On Saturday we went on a big hike/horse ride. Of course Dad wouldn't ride the horses at all. Anna and him hiked at first and it he turned around to her about 5 minutes into the hike and just broke down saying "this is so hard". And then he continued to move on with an even quicker pace. How does he do that? At times where I just want to curl up in a ball and seclude myself from the world, he continues to move forward trying to do more than he's ever done before. I admire him so much.

Cameron took my kids to Blue Lake while I was on the hike. I'm almost glad I didn't have to go there. It wasn't that long ago when you took us and the Grandkids there for a picnic. My kids remembered too. They went on the canoes with Dad. I remember your face as you watched Dad with all the grandkids in his canoe. You were so happy, your smile so large as you looked at them with him.

On Sunday night we watched your funeral. It brought me so much peace. I had a resolve to feel joy again and to live each day like you would want me to. It doesn't make it any easier but I know you don't want me to be this sad, so I will try everyday to feel joy. Even if it only lasts a second.

By the way, you have some amazing children as well. I know you know that, but as I listened to the funeral again I just thought "wow we have such a strong family." You raised us that way and I thank you for that. I promise to do all I can do to keep us close and connected through the years.

I love you Mom! Please be with me.

Running away...

2009-09-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

Today I feel like running away. Like when I was in 5th grade and I got so mad at my you and Dad that I decided to pack my bags (or bag I should say) and head for the hills. My bag was packed with all the important stuff too, like stuffed animals and such. I left when it was light outside and apparently wasn't very determined because as soon as it got dark I ended up coming home. As I look back on that memory I think my main purpose of leaving was to see if you cared if i was gone. I know it's silly, but in my little 5th graders mind it made sense and was the only way I knew how to express that.

My purpose for wanting to run away today is much different but is probably still silly. I want to forget that you are gone. I want to not have to look at my kids and have that painful reminder that everday away from you is one more day they start to forget you. I want to run away so I don't have to walk into your house and know you won't be there, or to see Dad without you by his side. I don't want to go Homecoming dress shopping with Maddy and the whole time think "this really shouldn't be me doing this, it should be you."

Everywhere I turn here I remember you and how you aren't here anymore. Maybe if I run away to someplace new, with new people then I won't have to remember how painful this is.

I know it wouldn't work though. I know you are too much a part of me that no matter where I went I would be reminded of you. I'm just trying to think of anything I can to make it less painful.

Church

2009-08-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today I had the most difficult time going to church. It was a difficult day to begin with and I didn't think I could face people today. People are so kind and so concerned and I am so appreciative but sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone. Today was one of those days. I suppose its good to talk about you to others. It's just difficult sometimes.

Last night I talked with Arlene for quite some time. She is so sweet and as much as you are alike it is also reassuring how different you are. Because you are unique and can never be replaced. But having Arlene here does help ease the pain. She aches for you too.

Sometimes I feel like I should be functioning better than I am. Why is my laundry so hard to complete, or making dinner, or keeping my house straightened. It's not like these tasks require much thought on my part but I can't seem to bring myself to do them. I just sit on the couch and stare sometimes, trying not to think of you. It's impossible though. My thoughts are with you and your memory 99% of the time and for the 1% of the time I'm not thinking about you I feel guilty.

Girls Camp

2009-08-29T22:24:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago was girls camp in our ward. I was called as camp director and gained much appreciation for you and Grandma Reah who held that calling several times. It was successful and I had so much fun doing it. As I was returning home from camp I called Cameron to let him know I would be home shortly. He informed me that you were coming to pick up the kids and take them swimming. I tried to rush home so I could see them before they left again. When i walked into the house the boys came running to the door to see who it was. Brigham took one look at me and said "you aren't Grandma Dene." Max just started crying. I had been gone all week and they wanted you not me. You showed up 5 minutes later and got the reaction that I was hoping for when I walked through the door. They both ran up to you with open arms yelling "Grandma Dene, Grandma Dene". I couldn't be sad because it was just a sweet sweet moment. They loved you so much and i know they could feel your love as well. I hope they always can.

Cleaning and towels.

2009-08-29T22:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Mom,

You raised 9 awesome children. The 3rd child being especially awesome ;) The one thing you forgot to mention to your youngest children is that they do NOT need to shower with a new towel every day. I found 6 in Dema's room and bathroom while cleaning today. 6 towels! I don't even own 6 towels.

Also did you know your house is big. I mean it's really really big. I'm grateful I only have to take care of my little house. Yours is much too large. Me and Andrea cleaned it today and it took us 4 hours.

Anger...

2009-08-29T22:13:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I felt my first bout of Anger that you were gone. I really haven't felt angry yet. I've felt sad plenty and distraught plenty, but Anger....no. Well it hit me on Thursday and I took it out on everyone around me. Cameron got the worst of it. He always does with my emotional rollercoasters. It has been especially bad these last few weeks. He loves me though and supports me through everything. I'm so lucky to have him but it's just another painful reminder that Dad doesn't have you there to help him through this.

The Anger came and went quickly, but it was there. I felt angry that you left me and even more angry that you left my kids. Angry the Heavenly Father would take you from us. Angry that my kids wouldn't remember how incredible you are. Angry that I might forget memories of you. Angry that Dad has to live without you. Angry that you won't be there for Maddy's first dance. Angry that you won't be there for Anna's marriage. Etc. Anger doesn't do me a whole lot of good so i put it aside. I'm sure I will feel angry again soon, but for now I just hurt to see you.

Swimming and Volleyball

2009-08-29T21:59:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went swimming with all the Grandkids. Except for Naki, he's in 1st grade now. While Brigham was getting his swimsuit on he quickly reminded me of the last time he went swimming with you at Farmington pool. You are the best grandma. You were so energetic and played with my kids in the water, while i sat on the edge of the pool. You bought the kids snow cones and Brigham dropped his on the ground. He had almost eaten all of it before he dropped it but you couldn't stand to let him cry so you went and got him another one. You always knew how to spoil my kids. And all the grandkids for that matter. When he reminded me of swimming with you I felt pain. What a wonderful memory that should be. But it was only a few weeks ago that you took them there and now you are gone. It doesn't seem real. I still can't believe you are gone.

Max's birthday was only a few weeks ago as well. Remember we all went to Lagoon. You had spent all day doing everything for the Ressler family reunion. It was at your house....even though you weren't supposed to be in charge. You always got sucked into things like that. Even though you had no time. I'm sure you were exhausted by the end of that reunion, but we hopped in the cars and headed to Lagoon. I can still see you smile as you rode on the rides with you grandkids. You were happy, and they were happy to be with you. Me and Cameron left you with our kids for a few hours while we went on some adult rides. I'm so glad we did that, I'm so glad my boys got to be with you.

Today we went to Anna's beach volleyball tournament. It was fun to watch her, but somehow things aren't as fun without you there. Dad seemed lost. He was quiet all day and wouldn't play pepper with Anna when she asked him to. He is trying so hard to do the right things, but he's in so much pain. I ache for the loss of you for myself but even more so for Dad. I wish I could take his pain away. He doesn't know how to live without you. Please help him.

The loss of a mother...

2009-08-28T08:25:00.001-07:00

I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head about losing my mom two weeks ago. It was so sudden and unexpected that memories that should be sweet are still painful. I will try and write them down so that hopefully when they become sweet again I will be able to remember them.